Whatever.

Basically, this is what I said to the former best friend. Maybe I am naive, but I thought a good friend was worth a good fight … You know, not wanting to give up a friendship is one thing, but making an effort to show that person that you don’t want to lose them is another. For three years, I have made that effort. I have begged, I have pleaded. Basically, I’ve lost any pride or dignity I once had because I was a sniveling bitch trying to get him to make an effort. Any effort. Send me a fucking letter, SOMETHING. But I got nothing. I’m sure my regular readers know that this has caused me a tremendous amount of torment for three years. Here’s the thing: my parents divorced and I didn’t see or speak to my mom for 6 years. That was tough. It was mostly my fault. Why? Because it hurt. All of it hurt. When I was a ‘troubled’ teen, my family talked about me behind my back. I know this because I had a few informers on the inside. That really hurt. I found out recently that that shit still goes on, maybe not so much about me anymore, but I’ve heard people talking about other people in my family much in the same way that they used to talk about me, I would venture to guess. That hurts. My dad got a girlfriend, and he turned on me. So you see, I’ve been hurt by the people that aren’t supposed to hurt you. I know I’m not the only one this has happened to, but I am clearly not equipped to handle this shit. I used to be. When I was a teenager I could give a fuck what any of these people did or said. Maybe I cared more than I thought and that shit is now eating me alive like a cancer. Who knows. Either way, the slightest betrayal is monumental to me now … Why? Do you think my parents divorced overnight? No. Do you think I lost my relationship with my mom overnight? Nuh uh. Do you think my dad just disappeared one day? Nope. It was slow starting. One betrayal led to another and then another until I ended up hurt and crying over my fucked up existence on this god forsaken planet. Well, here it is … It all comes to a head. I am losing my fucking mind and no one except the readers of this blog can see it. Why? Because I am a master of fucking disguise. You have to be!! No one wants to be around you when everything hurts. Well, dear readers, I am two steps away from hermit and I don’t care. I know that no one understands how overwhelmingly hurt I am, because everyone tells me to just suck it up. Hey, everyone gets hurt in their lives. You’re right. Everybody hurts sometimes, right REM? I don’t feel good. It is as though good doesn’t exist. Even when I should feel good, I don’t. How do I suck that up? Tell me, since you’re so good at giving advice, how do I do this? How do I make myself feel good? The checklist: Being around family. Not good. Being with friends. Not good. Lucero concert. GREAT! Sex. Not good. Making art. Not good. Staring at TV. Not good. Walk in the park. Not good. I don’t know what else to do. I am going to have to take drugs. I don’t want to do that. People die by those pills, too. They don’t always fix everyone. And I have been on them before and I HATED it. Never was the will to die so strong until I got on those pills. “You have to find the right ones, first!” Yeah. I’ve heard that. The problem is the “you may get worse before you get better” part. If I get worse than this, I won’t want to live. That is what I am terrified of. Yeah, so now I sound like a whiny bitch so it’s time to stop. I just needed to vent that, since I don’t talk to people about my problems anymore. The minute you start talking about problems, that’s when people start leaving. It happened with my mom, my dad, my family, and now my best friend. Glad to see, though that I still managed to make him a part of my life while I was in a relationship but he can’t extend me the same courtesy. Fuck him. I don’t care. I can’t feel a thing.