My mental state: a confessional?

I had deja vu today. I thought to myself “I really hate it when I am this anxious, I wish I could just go back to being depressed, at least then I could get some sleep.” and then I realized that a mere few weeks ago when I was feeling particularly depressed I thought “I wish I could just go back to being anxious, at least with anxiety I don’t feel dead inside.”

I can’t go through another 5 year bout of this. I don’t have the energy.

With that said, I don’t want to post this shit on a Facebook status update because honestly, there is less of a chance that anyone is gonna click the link to come here versus seeing it in a status update. I know it isn’t anonymous and that someone will see this, but I can’t afford a doctor and I need to get this shit out of me. It is poison. The problem is, people ask me to talk to them about it and I clam up. I can’t verbalize it right now because it is raw. Maybe when it is over and I’ve begun to heal a little, I can go back and reminisce about this awful feeling, but now, I can’t.

A few family members might come around the blog to see what’s going on. A couple friends might. If anyone does, though, they chose to read it, it isn’t like I made them listen to the incoherent ramblings of an over (or under, for that matter) stimulated brain, just spewing out emotion vomit. I know I am a burden when I am like this, but at least here, the people reading it chose to read it. At least here I can “say” what I need to say and cry about it without feeling like I am wasting anyone’s time, without feeling weak. I know I am weak. I dont think I can handle starting this conversation and watching the other person’s eyes glaze over, or the person listening perhaps checking their phone while I fall apart in front of them. Here I can get this rot out of me uninterrupted.

I don’t know why I am still justifying to myself why I am writing this. Oh well, fuck it.

So, here I am.

Anxiety makes me shake. I have nightmares. My guts are upset, I jump out of my skin at the slightest sound. My heart rate is irregular. My mouth is dry. My skin feels like I have bugs crawling all over me. I cant make a decision. I am confused by regular every day things. I have no desire to be out of my house, yet I feel guilty if I don’t participate in life. I am easily enraged by simple things. My feelings get hurt easily. I overreact to the slightest things. My senses are heightened to the point where a running fan is deafening and the sun is blinding. I can “feel” germs on me when I touch anything in public. I can almost “see” them. I feel nauseated. My breathing is strained, my chest hurts, my muscles are tense. My mind is throwing a million thoughts at me incoherently. I am remembering stupid things from ten years ago and feeling guilt, anger, and sadness that should have long since gone away. I am uncomfortable in my skin, I dread getting in my car tomorrow to drive to work. I am convinced I am losing my mind but at this point, it would be relief if it just shut itself the fuck off. I want to channel these feelings in to artwork but I am too raw emotionally to do so, and when I avoid getting this out of me I feel guilt that I am not creating. I know I am off of my “path” in life and that scares me like a horror movie scares a normal person. I am literally scared witless that I am not fulfilling some purpose that I am not even aware of. It is like failing a goal I was never told I had, just that I had to achieve it. I get the urge to pick at my skin, sometimes my brain tells me to cut myself, like a good bloodletting will release some of these demons. I am flailing my arms and legs on the inside while trying to maintain the appearance of steadiness on the outside, and, frankly, I am fucking exhausted. I wear my masks proudly, cracked, rotted, and decayed as they are, they still cover my rawness.

That’s where I am. Who knows how long I will be here, but that is where I am.

I had the urge to work on some photos today. I had the urge to make a painting. Neither of those things happened because the thought was overstimulating.

So, it’s out there, the darkness has lifted from my soul, only to be replaced with electricity. I go from nothingness to everything all at once. It is overwhelming.

To anyone who has read this far, I hope this helps to explain some of the things I may have said or did, or what something I might do or say in the future. In the meantime, I will continue to try to find this elusive path I’m supposed to be walking.

Peace and love, friends.

Happy New Year, happy new Mel.

That photo was the 2002 me, in my screen reclaiming safety gear. High fashion, dahling, high fashion. But enough workplace reminiscing.

Happy New Year, Phuktophiles! Phuktomaniacs! Guess what? 2014 isn’t gonna beat me up. I took a new full-time position with an awesome screen printing company. I start tomorrow. I am beyond excited to have a career, and not a job. I can’t wait! It is currently 12:35 pm and I just put down my first layer of acrylic on canvas for 2014.

So, what have I been writing in my therapy journals for the last … 7 years? “_______________ is always making me feel victimized. Why does she do that to me?”, “_____________ has stopped talking to me. What did I do to him? Has he forgotten about me?”, “I don’t feel comfortable in my skin.”, “Why is it always so easy for people to use me and then DROP me?”, “I need to be more creative and make more art.”

2014. You will be the year I solve all of these problems that I have complained about since I started keeping track of my rogue thoughts.

So here is the thing, Phuktomaniacs, I will shrink, and I will grow this year. I will shrink the thoughts that I am no good. I will shrink the feelings of abandonment. I will shrink the negativity that I feel. I will shrink my body by taking better care of myself. I will grow the idea that I am worth more than what I have gotten or have given myself. I will grow a foundation of artistic skills so that I can create more art and feel more confident. I will grow my feelings of self worth by not allowing people to take advantage of me. I will grow my self worth by involving myself in more charitable functions. I will grow my brain by learning new skills, by gaining new knowledge.

I will be KIND to myself.
I will be AWESOME.
I will KICK ASS.

I think I owe it to myself. Don’t you?

I quit smoking just over 900 days ago. It was pretty tough, and I still want to smoke once in a while. I made that change. I mastered those feelings. I can do this, too, right?

BANG!

Happy 2014, Phuktophiles! Drink, write, party, sleep, dance, love, kiss, make art, LIVE, all with gusto!

Charles Bukowski said: You have to die a few times before you can really live.

Well, I think I’ve died enough times. Let’s live.

ThirtyThirty CraftyNine — Day Six

Creativity is Intelligence Having Fun. — Albert Einstein

Well, as I expected Phuktophiles, work left me with nothing last night. Well, that isn’t true. I walked to the mailbox to mail this:

My Be The Match bone marrow donor registry kit! Yes, I finally made the plunge after asking questions and researching and making sure I was physically able to donate. I mailed it out last night which means that by noon-ish today my DNA will be in the hands of Pantene from my hair donation and soon in the hands of the Be The Match place. There will be nothing left of me when I die. LOL

Okay, since the people at the job took all of my oomph out of me last night and I wasn’t able to sit up, let alone create anything, I decided to write a post about all these donations and how they are affecting my brain.

I do feel very good about donating. The hair donation was easy to convince my OCD/GAD that it was fine, after all, hair grows back and I completely trusted my hair stylist. Hair is hair. I was confident that I could work it even if I had to cut all my hair off. Was I nervous? Absolutely! But not anxiety attack nervous.

That said, I am TERRIFIED of donating on marrow. I have a drug phobia that keeps me from taking the easiest of drugs. For years, I wouldn’t even take a Tylenol. As my allergies have gotten worse and worse, I have given in to taking Tylenol and Ibuprofen just to take the edge off of the headaches the allergies give me long enough to function at my job. Yes, my allergies suck. I currently have a full body rash that will not go away. I’ve had it for over a month now, but I am scared to take the anti-itch/anti-anxiety pill that my doc prescribed me. Go figure, as I am also terrified of taking the anti-depressant that would help regulate these brain chemicals. Anyway, you have to take a LOT of drugs to donate bone marrow! Under normal circumstances, I would had never signed up for the registry because I am terrified of being called and I just sent in my kit last night. The kit is still sitting in the mailbox a couple blocks away and I’m already scared! But I will never get over these fears if I don’t face them. Besides, someone needs someone like me to give them something they can’t make on their own. I complain about not having time or energy to create artwork but I create something every day that someone out there physically can’t do themselves. Which is more important?! So, take that, panic disorder. Someone out there makes correct brain chemistry and I would LOVE to be able to do that on my own. Since I can’t, that doesn’t mean I can’t help someone who can’t make their own marrow, right?

Also, it certainly isn’t as though I didn’t have a very creative and inspirational moment in the morning when I was getting ready to leave for work. I saw this little guy in his little house just as a cool breeze blew through my back yard and I immediately thought of autumn and how creative I feel in the time right before the winter comes and ends the year long cycle that is nature. Soon, all the trees will shed their leaves in preparation for starting new in spring, and there is something incredibly inspirational about that thought. I made a vow to myself that every available weekend during the fall, I will be out and about with my camera. I have to. Of course, it doesn’t help that the bosses came to me yesterday and said that they are going to have to start scheduling me on weekends. Boo. At least, until we hire someone. Hopefully that will be soon. But anyway, this is good and this is bad. Normally, I say I am going out with my camera and LePup says that she wants to go with me. Every weekend that I go out shooting, I have a companion. If I am working on weekends I will be shooting solo during the week. My panic doesn’t like going out in to the world alone, but since I am in the habit lately of doing things to directly infuriate/challenge my panic disorder, why not start doing things that make me uncomfortable all the time? This is the ONLY good side effect of the times when I feel depressed or indifferent (like I feel now). I end up being more courageous when I feel like shit because I think in my head that if something happens, it would just be the icing on the depressing cake and it really doesn’t matter in my brain. When I am happy, I am terrified of the bad things in life because I don’t want the happy times to ever end. I never want to go back to indifference or depression.

Well, Phuktophiles, I got a set of Skull Candy headphones from work on clearance for four bucks and they are AHMAZING so I am going to spend some time today listening to music. Today should be a full day, actually. I am going to meet with my dad. He wants to sit and have a long talk with me about my disorders. I think he knows that my fear of death is making me not live. He would be correct. After meeting with my dad, then I get to go over my friend’s house where I will inevitably run in to an ex boyfriend, which is going to SUCK incredibly, but I am strong enough to handle it. Hopefully I will get an opportunity to do something creative today 🙂

Have a creative day!
Smooches!

ThirtyThirty CraftyNine — Day Three

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts — Charles Dickens

Good morning, Phuktophiles!

I am going to make the post for Day Three short and sweet, mostly because I am typing this as I get ready for work … either this post or my makeup will suffer greatly.

So, I saw in a screen printing book (because yes, I read screen printing books, I’m a geek), a set of prints in which the artist took portraits and made them all two color, either black and magenta, black and green, black and cyan, etc. and I got inspired. I didn’t really have any photos that I could work with that I could think of off the top of my head, so I pulled up some shots I took for an idea that got lost in the traffic in my mind.

In the machine, 2013

I call it “In the Machine”, and it terrifies me.

It isn’t a big drawn out project or anything, but if the motivation behind an artwork is to elicit a response, then this one elicits terror (for me, anyway, because it really scares me).

Anyway, like I said, short and sweet. It’s funny, sometimes the things that start off as an innocent test turn in to something you will hang on the wall in your first gallery show.

My time here is up, I have to finish getting ready for work. Damn you, Plants vs. Zombies for keeping me up past 2:00 again.

Kisses! I will see you later for DAY FOUR!

ThirtyThirty CraftyNine — Day Two

Two posts in one day? How can this be??

Well, Phuktophiles, I ended up not being able to shoot more today due to yucky weather, but I did manage to do something creative.

I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games, too. Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you.” –Dr Seuss

So, this is DAY TWO! The quote, I think, is pretty self explanatory. I am in a constant struggle with myself, and that is why I am doing this right now, to be honest. It keeps me somewhat sane. Anyway, I did manage to work on some things, practice things and not-so-practice things:

This is me, Adobe Illustrator style.

Now, I am not 100% sure where or how this started. Actually, that is a lie. I was making a cartoony type character of my panic monster and it morphed in to a cartoon of me. *Cue Twilight Zone music* yep, that is what brainstorming in Adobe Illustrator looks like, I suppose. Paging Sigmund Freud, your table’s ready …

A quick trip to Pat Catan’s craft store with Snotface LePupster (my little sister, for those just joining us)to cure her boredom put me in aisles full of Halloween decor. Well, that started in on another cartoony type character, who is as yet nameless.

And the Halloween themed cartoony character led me to this skull.

Which somehow led me to this cutesy owl.

Which inexplicably led me to Echo the Bunnyman.

And all that led me back to Illustrator, where I played with this image for a while and will probably work with it some more before I call it a finished piece. All in all, I would say that Day 2 of #ThirtyThirty #CraftyNine is a raging success. Tomorrow I go back to work after a long holiday weekend, so we shall see just how much energy I have at the end of the day to work on Day 3. Retail is a physically and mentally draining bitch, which is not a good thing, especially with the way I have been feeling lately. People just love to kick your dick in the dirt, don’t they? I guess that would make more sense if I were a dude, but you get my drift.

Until next time,
Deuces silly gooses!

Oh, wait, I forgot to add the panic monster:

ThirtyThirty CraftyNine — Day one.

Hello, Phuktophiles!

I made a promise to myself that I was going to stop neglecting you as I have in the past. How am I doing?

So, in an attempt to quiet my inner monsters, I decided to construct a “playground” of sorts for my brain. September is going to be that month, Phuktophiles. Here’s the deal: I write pretty much daily in what was supposed to be a “therapy journal” from back when I was in therapy. I was told to write down symptoms, anything that I ate, emotions, how much coffee I’d had, and whatever else I deemed worthy of mention so my therapist could break down what triggers my mood swings. Well, I still write in it, but it is less about symptoms and more about all the things that make me want to snap. That journal, my friends, has saved my life, has made me want to die, and has shown me a lot of things about myself in free-writing and brainstorming that I wouldn’t have guessed about myself. As a matter of fact, when people tell me that they are going through some shit, I tell them to write it all in a journal. It is therapeutic, for sure.

Anyway, Phuktophiles, I have been writing for YEARS, wait Y…E…A…R…S…, about how I hate that I don’t spend enough time being creative and doing creative things. I’ve decided that September will be the month that I stop that.

I made a page layout for every day in September to put in my journal for inspiration on this thirty day journey (which will hopefully turn in to a longer journey). #ThirtyThirty means thirty projects/ideas/reveries in thirty days. #CraftyNine means crafty September. Now, realistically, I know I will not have time or energy to create thirty individual projects in thirty days. My job doesn’t really leave me with much at the end of every day, but I WILL do something … ANYTHING creative every day for thirty days. I have to. I have to challenge my brain. If I don’t keep my brain occupied on something, I get lost in the self-loathing and worthlessness that so often cripples me when I get depressed, which I have been feeling lately. So, without further ado, my page layout for September first.

No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If they did, they would cease to be an artist. — Oscar Wilde.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s true. Well, true to an extent, I don’t think it is that black and white. That being said, my imagination far exceeds reality when it comes to good things happening for me. LOL

So, I shared with you the motivation, and I will share with you the projects. I haven’t done today’s yet (raining … not taking the camera out in that), but here is yesterday’s project: POLAROID.

Polaroid, Rose bush, September 1

Polaroid, Into the Morning, September 1

Land, September 1

The old Polaroid is still kickin’, over 50 years old and still kickin’ … though, it did take it a while to give me a usable image LOL

The weather then took a turn. I went for a 2.5 mile walk with intentions of going back out to shoot some more, but I got drenched in the storm, but managed these out of my digital SLR:

I also loaded a roll of BW film in my Elan II. Eventually, when I save up a couple rolls, I will get in the darkroom at Cleveland Print Room and develop these negs.

Let us not forget that I also put together a page layout after getting caught in the rain (Adobe Illustrator):

Reverie

So there we are, Phuktophiles. Expect quite a few posts in September as I get all these projects done. I hope you enjoyed your visit to the bouncy house in my head.

Kisses!