Phuktophiles. I need to level with you. I feel like I can because neither of the two people I will talk about here today actually read this blog, so whatever. I don’t care. I’m sure they have shared their sides of these stories with anyone who actually does read this (which is few, I admit).
You may have noticed that I didn’t finish my September challenge. Well, that isn’t all true. I worked on stuff and neglected to post a bunch of them, figuring I would do that eventually, but then I hit a brick wall. A 4’9” brick wall, and I am devastated.
The brick wall is my sister.
Let me go back and give you the back story.
A guy I trusted and really liked as a person got me pregnant and left me to miscarry alone, terrified, and most of all feeling the worst depression I have ever felt in my life. I became suicidal, well, more like I became obsessed with suicide (which I am still). I didn’t attempt to take my life like I so wanted to do on that occasion and many occasions before it when a man made me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. My sister remained friends with this man on Facebook, and it really bothered me that she would do that. It was as though she was saying to him, “sure, you devastated my sister and she feels like the most worthless piece of slime she has ever felt like in the past, but I am okay with that, and I will continue to be your pal.” I didn’t really mention it to her, outside of “why are you still talking to that asshole?” but she said she wanted to keep tabs on him. I let it slide as her thinking she was helping me, though it completely crushed me inside that she would even want to associate with this person, let alone that he was probably thinking “well, if her sister doesn’t hate me, then I must not have done anything so wrong…”
Enter the next brick wall. A 5’2” brick wall. My other sister.
She owed me money. Yes, I said some shit out of anger that got back to her (the 4’9” brick wall relayed that information back to her). I owed her a wedding album that I had every intention of getting to her, but I hit a few financial pitfalls due to panic attacks that took me to ER, having to wear a heart monitor to figure out what was making my heart beat erratically, and, well, just about every other financial pitfall a person with questionable health, credit card debt, and a car can face followed that up. I killed my credit in the process, I have a garnishment of my wages as a result of all of this, so I hit some very hard times and I have yet to recover. It’s been a very “spiral out of control” last few years for me. So, anyway, I owed her a wedding album and I hated myself more and more every day that I couldn’t deliver it to her. I come to find out that someone in my family has been telling other people in my family all about my financial issues, because I know I haven’t told anyone (too embarrassed) and somehow the 5’2” brick wall had all these stories about me and my money that I don’t know how or why they were being shared amongst my family. Either way, she accused me of trying to steal money from her, to which I say, I wouldn’t even steal GUM from her, but whatever. She has owed me money for years and I never said a word, not wanting that to be the ruin of our relationship. I just assumed she would pay me in time. Well, I came to a point where I NEEDED the money she owed, so I asked for it. I was then accused of being an extortionist. A knife in my back. I would never assume the worst of either of these brick walls, Phuktophiles, so for them to do these things to me was like acid in my face. Yes, I am aware that it was a business transaction and I failed miserably at holding up my end of the wedding album business transaction. I am completely aware of that, and that is why I have since decided to close up shop on MSJ Photography. I failed in business. I don’t blame her for being angry with me, but to call me an extortionist when she didn’t know exactly what I was going through … as a sister, it hurt. A lot. There was no, let me just call her and see why this is taking so long. There was only call on Christmas day, scream at Melissa, don’t let Melissa get a word in edgewise, and assume the worst of Melissa.
Enter again the 4’9” brick wall.
A person whom I thought was my friend (I’ve known him for about half of my life) was flirty with me, told me how much he liked me, told me he had liked me for a while, but I wasn’t in a place to partake after the miscarriage, so I never acted on it. Eventually, I got myself a boyfriend that wasn’t him, but this person continued to tell me how much he liked me, even so far as to tell me this at my boyfriend’s birthday party. Lo and behold, after he must have realized that I wasn’t interested in leaving my boyfriend for him, suddenly he starts showing interest in my little sister. He said to her on her Facebook page that he is “curious about her.” What a slimeball, right? Had he not led me to believe that he actually gave a shit about me, only for me to find out that he really didn’t, I wouldn’t care about all this. So, after all I have been through and these trust issues I now have with men who would try to lead me to believe that they like me only to find that they really probably don’t, I was heartbroken to find out that my 4’9” brick wall is now bebopping around town with this person. She wants to be friends with him, despite that he made me feel worthless, despite that he was supposed to be a friend of mine who suddenly doesn’t want to talk to me anymore because he found a new “target”. I am completely devastated. So I explained how I felt to my sister, thinking that she would certainly respect my feelings enough to say, “okay, well if it bothers you that much, then I will just stay away from him,” but nope. Being his friend is far more important to her than the heartbreak that I am currently suffering. Hell, I hope I am wrong. I hope that perhaps I misread the situation with this guy and he just hasn’t cleared the air with me, but for right now, all I have to go on is that he talked a lot of talk to try to get me closer to him, and then he pulled away when he found a new target, thus, I meant exactly nothing to him at all. Another warm hole. Another worthless piece of garbage. I find that I can’t even think about my sister and this dude running around town and having fun together without starting to cry. Why? Because this feels like a knife in my back. I don’t ask for much. I ask for my family … not even my entire family … but my sisters to support me. To sacrifice for me once in a while. To answer my text messages when I tell you that I feel like my life is falling apart. To listen to me when I am telling you about how I want to die, without you changing the subject to what stupid thing your mother in law did. To choose me over the asshole guy who, just a few months ago, only knew you existed because of the stories I would tell about you and how much I love and respect you … but nope.
I know that my hatred for men right now is somewhat irrational. I am aware that someday all of this might change. But for now, this is where I am in my life and I hoped that at least my own sisters would be able to support me. But nope. I supported the 4’9” brick wall when she wanted to move in with her last boyfriend even though I knew better and I desperately didn’t want her to do so. I began editing my opinions and points of view on things that she was doing in her life because she doesn’t like my blunt and honest personality. I supported the 5’2” brick wall through her ugly divorce, her new wedding, her starting to develop panic attacks, something I am all too familiar with … the list of things I have been there for them through is just as countless as their lists are for me … and I would continue to go to the ends of the Earth to support either one of them. I would de-friend someone who didn’t treat them with 100% respect and dignity, hell, I have. No question, no skin off my back. I would loan either one of them every dime I own, if I owned any dimes. Hell, screw loans, I would GIVE them money, which is what I had figured I would do this time around until I absolutely had no other choice but to try to collect … All three of us have done questionable things in our lives, I’ve supported them both through the questionable shit, and then I supported them both when the shit hit the fan. I was a shoulder to cry on. I put myself in harm’s way for them. I would STILL TO THIS DAY surrogate for my older sister if she finds that she and her husband can’t conceive. I would do anything, go anywhere, die for, take a bullet for, go to jail for, these two women … and they find me, or at least my feelings, worthless. My older sister hasn’t even spoken to me since all this happened. Everyone says it’s because I haven’t spoken to her … I was accused of being an extortionist … why am I the one who ALWAYS puts out the olive branch? Someone, please, come to me once in a while and make me feel like you WANT me in your life! I am sick of always being the one to come forward first to make things right. No more. Just for once, can someone at least, for my sake, pretend that I am important enough to them to make a sacrifice? Because right now I am feeling like the lowest piece of dirt and I have more strangers reaching out to me than I have family!
Another worthless piece of garbage.
So, that being said, hello deity up in the sky that I don’t believe in, I am ready to go now, but I can’t bring myself to put my family and friends through what my suicide would do to them, so feel free to take me of natural causes at any time … because I can’t live like this anymore.
Yours,
The Completely Unsupported.
If you know either of these two people, do me a favor and don’t tell them this is up here. I really just needed to get my side of the story out of me because, well, it appears that I really don’t have anyone left in my life to talk to about it. I don’t want them reading this and getting more angry, or worse yet, pitying me. I don’t need pity. I know that I messed up by trusting these slimeball men around me and I know I messed up my dream of being a photographer by being this anxious, depressed piece of shit. This is all partially my fault, and I know that. Honestly, I’m sure I will regret this post as soon as I post it and will likely take it down. I don’t care. I will feel better if even one person reads it and knows what I have been feeling on the subject, since I haven’t spoken to anyone else about either, and most likely will never.
And with that said, I am done with this emo bullshit. I owe the good people at the Clinic more money than I make in a month, hell, more than I make in two months, but I will make the first available appointment that I can to get in to my new doctor and get on meds. It is sad that I am addicted to a drug that I don’t even yet take on the promise that it might make these feelings of worthlessness go away, or at least subside a little. Not even on ’em and I already need them too much. That’s sad. That’s exactly the reason I never started taking them. I didn’t want to need them. I didn’t anticipate that I would get addicted before I even gave them a chance.