I woke up at 6 this morning and made some breakfast (had a bit of acidity going on in the ol’ tummy) and had a cup of coffee. About an hour after I ate, I started having heart palpitations.
Now, I normally have heart palpitations when I am really really hungry. I’ve gotten used to it, and have found that severe hunger can cause a heart to palpitate. I have no idea why, I’m not a doctor, just a lowly photo technician.
Anyway, the palpitations were getting on my nerves, so I decided to lay down on my bed and write my symptoms down in my “therapy journal”, which I’m not even sure why I keep writing in because all it says is “my stomach hurts today” or “I am feeling jittery today” every day, over and over again. Oh, and there are the wonderful EMOTIONS that I write in there, too. But writing them down rarely fixes anything like people CLAIM it will.
My arm went weak and collapsed under me. Then I got a wave of weakness all over my upper body.
I jumped up off the bed and started pacing, doing my “relaxation techniques” that were “prescribed” through the therapist, which (after about 15 minutes) calmed the RATE of my heartbeat down, but not the shear FORCE of each beat. I could actually SEE my pulse in my temple. HOLY CRAP so I thought, call 911. Well, I didn’t. I managed to get my heart rate back to a “normal” rate, so I went back in my bedroom after about 20 minutes of complete and whole-body terror.
I sat on the edge of my bed and talked myself into going to the ER, then talked myself out of it, then into it, then out of it, then back into it after I noticed that I THOUGHT I had been considering the ER for about 10 minutes, and it turns out it was AN HOUR. So, yeah, I lost an hour of my life in my spaciness and didn’t even realize it.
Now I get to the IS IT REALLY SO WRONG part…
Is it really so wrong that I don’t want to take medication? How did people deal with anxiety before benzos and other “anti-anything-mental” drugs?? I don’t want to be a zombie God damn it and I don’t want to take drugs! Is that so wrong? Why does no one seem to understand that?? IF MY BRAIN HAS THE POWER TO DO THIS, SHOULDN’T IT ALSO HAVE THE POWER TO STOP IT without the use of drugs? There is a reason I don’t smoke pot. There’s a reason I don’t do coke. I don’t want CHEMICALS in my body that will alter my BRAIN in such ways.
So, my aunt (who is a nurse) asked me if I wouldn’t take insulin if I were diabetic? Would I not take meds for hypertension? If it meant that it could save my life — yes I would. BUT I DON’T FEEL THAT ATIVAN IS A LIFE SAVING DRUG. If I start having suicidal thoughts or actions, MAYBE I will consider it a life saving agent. HOWEVER, isn’t the most famous side effect, the one that everyone laughs about in these “anti-anything-mental” drug commercials “increased thoughts of death or suicide”?? WHY WOULD I TAKE A DRUG TO STOP ME FROM KILLING MYSELF IF THE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECT IS INCREASED THOUGHTS OF DEATH OR SUICIDE? What a cruel joke THAT is!
Listen, I am sure that many, many people have taken Ativan and lived and some people LOVE the drug for the help that it gives them, but I personally do not want to take drugs for this. Am I so wrong for that? I’m the type that doesn’t even like taking Tylenol for crying out loud. Ativan is like if Tylenol decided to go on a bender and take some steroids and blow. Why do I want that in my body??
I know that those of you who know me are laughing it up right now saying, “you’re a SMOKER!” and I am. Do I like that I am? Ha. No. Would I quit right now if I weren’t TERRIFIED of the withdrawals? You bet I would.
My life, as much as I love it, is a fu**ing double edged sword.
Wanna go on life’s biggest adventure? LIVE. That’s it. That’s life’s biggest adventure. No roller coaster in the world can give you the ups and downs that simple LIVING can give you. Well, that’s my life anyway.
phuktneurotic 