First of all, I want to lay down a back story for those just joining us. I have a few phobias (HA! … few …), two of which being social anxieties and emetaphobia. More on that:
Social anxieties: I have to drag myself to things. I can’t just grab my keys and walk out of the house on my way to events. There is a process involved in everything from concerts to going to the gas station. I can’t describe it, I don’t know why it happens, but I have to convince myself to leave the house. Last night, I had to convince myself (after the craptastic day I had running around trying to get my damn phone fixed again), that I didn’t just want to go to the Lucero show in Toledo (two hour drive from Cleveland, for those non-local readers), I NEEDED to go to the Lucero show. This fight usually starts the morning of an event that I’ve agreed to go to. I wake up in the morning and think “why did I agree to go?”, “How can I get out of it?”, “What excuse can I use so that I don’t have to tell _______ why I am not going?” and so on and so forth in that way. This goes on all day. Eventually, I begrudgingly shower and dress, put on my makeup, etcetera, until I am ready to go, and then I will sit and tell myself repeatedly that I DO want to go, and after long last I either pick up the phone and bail or I grab my keys and make myself leave. It sucks.
Emetaphobia: The fear of vomit. I developed this phobia around the time that I was diagnosed with GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease, or acid reflux). I felt like I was going to vomit 24/7 because of the amount of stomach acid I was producing. I stopped eating, bordering on an eating disorder, because I was terrified that I was going to vomit. It sounds silly, but it’s true, I would rather take a bullet than vomit. No joke. This has caused me many problems for many reasons. First and foremost, my fear of vomiting was leading to a fear of eating, and I was only ingesting white foods, things that wouldn’t be too disgusting to see when it came back up. I wasn’t eating more than 600 calories in any given day because I was scared of having a lot of food in my guts to throw up. I ended up losing 50 pounds from that. My acid issues, I have found, are directly related to my anxieties, so regulating the anxiety is the only way I can regulate the feeling that I am going to throw up. One other MAJOR reason that this causes me such issue is because I am terrified of my little cousins. Yep, again, dumb. Kids are disease carriers, anyone who has kids knows this. When I hear that one of them is sick, I freak out and start thinking of the last time I was exposed to them and whether I was going to catch it. Yep. It hurts me that I am so scared to be around them, but I can’t stop it.
SO … backstory having been laid, here’s the story of my night last night with Lucero:
My friend Tony drove. The entire day leading up to leaving for the show, I was terrified that I was going to be car sick. I never have been before, but I figured now is as good a time as any, right? And knowing my luck, today would be the day. So, of course, the little black monster that is anxiety was telling me not to go to Toledo because 2 hours in a car is entirely too long. I can usually use my brain to convince myself that I am going to be sick to the point where I gag, so thank goodness I managed to keep that under control! We made it to Toledo with no car sickness. I was terrified the entire ride, however, but I talked for the entire 2 hours to keep my mind off the terror. I’m sure Tony hates that about me, seeing as I never seem to shut up because anxiety makes me word vomit.
We met up with Deb, one of my favorite people in the whole world, and we had a great time catching up, laughing, enjoying ourselves. I had a few beers, and I was starting to loosen up. I felt good. Not only that, I am convinced that one of the opener’s fly was open, which made us all giggle for a while. I enjoyed the 2 opening bands a lot, so when we positioned ourselves up front and center, I felt good. I felt so good, in fact, that I subconsciously told my social phobias to suck it by approaching Lucero’s drummer to tell him how much I admired him as a drummer. I wanted Roy Berry to know that Melissa Jeffrey loved his drumming skills. Whether Melissa Jeffrey’s social phobias liked it or not, Roy Berry was going to hear that. And I did it. It took some convincing in my own head, but I did it. I felt good afterward. I think the beer had something to do with that … I was still on the edge of panic because of all the people, and I was convinced that at some point I was going to trip, or get knocked down, or worse, throw up. It never occurred to me to worry that I might get thrown up on.
Lucero hadn’t even started their first song when the guy next to me threw up on me. Now, the emetaphobic in me was screaming to run for the hills, but the Lucero fan in me was screaming that I had prime real estate right below Ben (the singer), and if I gave up my spot, I was going to regret it. Anyway, I feel the warm wetness on my arm, I smell the smell, and I hear Ben say “OOH!”, and I know what happened. My body lit up like a Christmas tree, my stomach got weak, my legs stiffened, ready to run. The smell was overpowering. I didn’t have time to think before the guy hurled on me again. You know that hot rush you get when you have an orgasm? I got that hot, tingly flash all over my body. I started to sweat, my skin crawled, my spine tingled, it was the beginning of a panic attack. My hand shot up to my nose and I covered it in horror. I couldn’t smell it, or I would throw up, too, and I couldn’t have any of that. Ben leaned forward about that time and told me to see Mary at the merch table and I could get any one thing I wanted for free. I nodded, he stood back up to the mic and announced that I had been puked on. At first, I was mortified that he pointed me out to the crowd, but then he made it funny and I raised my hand so everyone could see that I was, in fact, the recipient of the stomach contents. It took three songs for me to return to a state of somewhat calm, and it wasn’t until the overwhelming stink of vomit was diluted by the stink of sweaty bodies that I was able to pay attention to the show instead of what my mind was screaming at me. I managed to tell emetaphobia to suck it, and that is a MAJOR step for me, as this and the peanut phobia are the two biggest ones that remain.
I was worried from the moment we showed up at the venue that I was going to embarrass myself by bursting in to tears when they played Nights Like These. Let me explain: if the gender roles were reversed, I could be singing this song to the former best friend. “I’ve only got this one wish, that I was good enough to make you forget the only boy (bitch) who ever broke your heart (and made you feel guilty throughout OUR entire relationship), ’cause nights like these tear me apart”, and of course, “she had a weakness for writers and I was never that good at words anyway” because former best friend was a “writer”, and I quote that because I have never read any of his writings, which I have already beat myself up for in a former post, so I won’t do it again here. Anyway, the little black monster (anxiety) was laughing at me when I started to cry when they played this song because the chick next to me was staring at me and I swore that Brian (guitar) and Ben were also staring at me like I was a tool. Now, I know that Brian and Ben weren’t, and I was probably overananlyzing that, but at the time, the little black monster was telling me that they were laughing at me. That upset me. I’m not sure why, because you’d think that they would be enthralled that someone was touched enough by their songs that they would openly cry over them … I don’t know, I’m battling with rational and irrational right now.
Fast forward to the end of the show, because I managed to fight, and even FORGET the panic for the rest of the show! I mean, it was there, but I wasn’t at it’s mercy, and that was such a huge step.
End of show. We approach Ben and wait our turn to get my photo taken with him, because the one that I got of us (and Brian) at the show I went to in April with little sis Pupster wasn’t enough 😀 We took our photo
Me and Ben:
and he asked me if I had been to the merch table to see Mary yet. I said that I had not, so he took me to the table and told Mary that I was puked on and I was to get any one thing I wanted for free. Well, I had already visited the merch table before I got puked on, but, let’s face it, there is ALWAYS Lucero merch that I want. Before I could make a choice, however, Tony says to him “She’d rather have the shirt you’re wearing.” Now, I know I didn’t overanalyze the look of “OMG you stalker!” that Ben gave me. But, in true Lucero fashion, he told me to ask Mary for the gray shirt with big blue letters that reads LUCERO MEMPHIS TN (the same shirt I got for myself earlier), so I got it for him, he took off his shirt and gave it to me. I squeed.
Now, I know what I said, and it is what I wanted to say, it was what I meant: “thank you!” but my mind told me that he heard “Dude, I got puked on, which had absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever, but in restitution for being puked on, I want your DNA laden tee shirt.” I freaked out a little bit, I told Tony on the way home that I hope Lucero doesn’t avoid Ohio on all future tours because of the psycho blonde chick that wanted Ben’s tee shirt. 😀
Here’s the thing: Lucero is a band that loves their fans. Plain and simple. They are humble. They are amazing. They are the best band that a lot of people aren’t getting the opportunity to hear, and that makes me sad. Head over to www.luceromusic.com and see if they are coming to a town near you, because I may be a little biased since I already adore them, but I can guarantee that you will have a great time! Ben Nichols is a genius with words (although he claims that he isn’t in Nights Like These), and a genius with music. Every one of them is amazing. I know that the word “awesome” is so overused that the meaning doesn’t hold as much weight as it used to, but I revoke the overuse of the word and I tell you that you will be awe struck by these guys. I can’t believe that they aren’t bigger than they are, and I hope that they receive every success in the world.
Anyway, on to the recovery. A month ago, if someone had puked on me, I would have panicked and wanted to die. No joke. These small victories in my life don’t significantly change the course of my life or my diagnosis, but when I take these and compile them, I gain strength each time. As a matter of fact, Lucero is a major part of my recovery from this on more than one level. When someone hurts my feelings, or when something happens to me that causes me some heartbreak, I sing Can’t Feel a Thing. The song has nothing to do with panic, but it helps me. Sometimes. Sometimes it doesn’t. Regardless, when it works, it works, and that’s all I can ask for at the time.
There are so many people who say that Lucero’s music speaks to them on a level that no other music does. Ben knows how to tell a story. Ben’s been hurt. Ben speaks to people. If I ever get a chance again, I want to ask him how he feels about that. How does it feel to know that so many of your fans are your fans because of your ability to speak to them in this way? I only wish I had that kind of talent. How must it feel to know that you have had such an impact on so many people? Amazing.
Anyway, these small victories keep me going, and in fact, I had the time of my life last night. I had an issue a few days ago with a person whom I trusted talking shit about panic disorders. This is a person whom I thought understood that I can’t help it when I feel this way, that I don’t want to live this way, that I am trying like hell in the only way I know how to beat this thing, and I trusted them. And they betrayed my trust by talking shit. I will admit, I was depressed about that. Very depressed. I have been very low lately. Last night changed that. My “internal light” that everyone keeps telling me that I’ve lost … I felt it light up last night. I felt human for the first time in a LONG time.
I know that I have the strength to beat this thing. I showed that last night. I can do it. Some days I will be weaker than others, but the more I am made aware of the strength, the more strides I will make to getting my life back.
Me and Brian:
Me and Rick:
Me and Roy:
I am missing John C. 😦 He is so elusive! LOL Next time, John C. … I’ll get you next time … (she says sounding more like a stalker than she did at the show LOL)
phuktneurotic 