Chapter Two: Super

What have I learned? I learned something very important about myself. I have always given in to what others wanted. This was the first time I have ever stood up for myself and what I knew was right for me. Had this been a few years ago, without all of these other things that have happened to me, I probably would have given a relationship with this person a shot, and both of us would have regretted it. He because I can’t give him what he thinks I am, and me because I would have known in my heart that I didn’t want to be in the relationship to begin with.

Okay, so now that we have a bit of the back story, this was a contributing factor to my withdrawal from my drinking activities. My lifestyle was becoming too much of a crutch, and others were being pulled in to my orbit and were being put in harm’s way. It had to stop. Not only for those reasons, but also because I need to concentrate on art.

I have been frequenting a local print shop/gallery and I want to join with every fiber of my being. I haven’t been able to afford it, but I managed to find myself a better paying job while I was on my little hiatus from my blog, and the idea of joining is nagging at me. I know that I won’t be able to afford the membership if I am spending a ton of money at the bar every week. This is also not to mention the time spent in the bar, in which I could be working on creating. These were also factors in my withdrawal from the bar scene.

I’ve had a lot of negativity going on. My sister announced that she was pregnant, and I HATED myself for not being able to feel over the top happy for her. It was too hard. She understood. I should have known that she would, but I still hated myself for not being able to be over the top happy for her. I felt like the lowest form of life. I should have been able to be over the top happy for her, but it hurt me so badly. I know, I still hate myself for it, and I don’t blame you if you hate me, too.

My sister lost her baby, too. I don’t think I need to go in to details about how much that sucked.

I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to be better than I was a year ago. I do believe that is where the “awakening” came from.

I woke up one morning and I realized that I am not immortal. I will die. People are aware of their own mortality and they continue to live life anyway. I have been having a very hard time living my life knowing that I’m gonna die. Everything I do seems so pointless because I will die. I have been struggling with this so much lately. I mean, to the point where it has interrupted my life. This is another reason why I started this withdrawal from the bar scene. It is hard to have fun with friends when all you see around you is death.

AHHH!! So I have all of this going through my head, not to mention training my replacement at my old job, starting a new job, there have been issues going on within the family… It has been a nightmare. I’m just thankful because it could be much worse, but it isn’t.

The morning that I started really dwelling on my mortality, I was pretty panicked. I didn’t have a full blown attack, just one of those all day nervousness kind of days. I had been panicky a lot since the bronchitis, come to think of it.

My mortality led me to this conclusion: I need to make myself immortal. Since I am having such a difficult time with men lately, I doubt I will be reproducing any time soon, so what option do I have? How can I become immortal?

Why, through art, of course.

Who needs a title?

Well.

My busy week ended last night with a bang at a show at Peabody’s. Lestat. We can sum this show up in one word: epic.

My week was so busy that I didn’t have time to clear a photo pass with the band, but I took a few pics with my phone.

Certainly, not my best work as a concert photographer, but then, I didn’t have my trusty camera gear!

Anyway, the show was amazing. They were on a 17 year hiatus, and they just released Arisen, their brand new disc. The show I attended was their CD release show, and I am SO very glad I was there! I ended up buying two of their discs, and I will be listening to those for the rest of the day.  🙂

So, I guess my point here is that I am beginning to have a life again. A life, granted, without my former best friend, which is what prompted me to write today.

I looked back at the time stamp on the last text I sent him, the one in which I told him to never again contact me. Two weeks.

Two weeks and he didn’t once say that he didn’t want to never again contact me. Perhaps he realized that he would rather be strangers than friends. That is, in fact, how he has been acting for three years.

So, what does this have to do with Lestat? Because I still hear songs every once in a while that prompt me to grab my phone to text him that he needs to listen to it. I end up stopping myself, but the urge is still there.

I quit smoking in July of 2011, and I still have moments where I feel as though something is missing. I realize after a few moments that the cigarette is what is missing, and I wonder if that will ever go away. I sure as hell hope it does, otherwise I will have two bad habits that I have to make a concerted effort to stay away from; smoking and the former friend. Let’s face it, neither one is very good for me. I don’t need cancer and I don’t need someone who constantly makes me feel as though I don’t matter.

Anyway, I have been hanging around with a much better crowd lately. When I tell these new people that I am feeling depressed, they ask “what’s the matter?”, they don’t disappear. So let this be a lesson to those who want to keep their friendships: the quickest way to lose someone is to make them feel like you don’t care.

All right, readers. Here is your assignment for the coming week: go to http://www.luceromusic.com and check out Lucero, then go to http://www.lestatmusic.com and check out Lestat, and finally, realize that words are powerful, but sometimes they aren’t enough. Sometimes nothing can save you.