My mental state: a confessional?

I had deja vu today. I thought to myself “I really hate it when I am this anxious, I wish I could just go back to being depressed, at least then I could get some sleep.” and then I realized that a mere few weeks ago when I was feeling particularly depressed I thought “I wish I could just go back to being anxious, at least with anxiety I don’t feel dead inside.”

I can’t go through another 5 year bout of this. I don’t have the energy.

With that said, I don’t want to post this shit on a Facebook status update because honestly, there is less of a chance that anyone is gonna click the link to come here versus seeing it in a status update. I know it isn’t anonymous and that someone will see this, but I can’t afford a doctor and I need to get this shit out of me. It is poison. The problem is, people ask me to talk to them about it and I clam up. I can’t verbalize it right now because it is raw. Maybe when it is over and I’ve begun to heal a little, I can go back and reminisce about this awful feeling, but now, I can’t.

A few family members might come around the blog to see what’s going on. A couple friends might. If anyone does, though, they chose to read it, it isn’t like I made them listen to the incoherent ramblings of an over (or under, for that matter) stimulated brain, just spewing out emotion vomit. I know I am a burden when I am like this, but at least here, the people reading it chose to read it. At least here I can “say” what I need to say and cry about it without feeling like I am wasting anyone’s time, without feeling weak. I know I am weak. I dont think I can handle starting this conversation and watching the other person’s eyes glaze over, or the person listening perhaps checking their phone while I fall apart in front of them. Here I can get this rot out of me uninterrupted.

I don’t know why I am still justifying to myself why I am writing this. Oh well, fuck it.

So, here I am.

Anxiety makes me shake. I have nightmares. My guts are upset, I jump out of my skin at the slightest sound. My heart rate is irregular. My mouth is dry. My skin feels like I have bugs crawling all over me. I cant make a decision. I am confused by regular every day things. I have no desire to be out of my house, yet I feel guilty if I don’t participate in life. I am easily enraged by simple things. My feelings get hurt easily. I overreact to the slightest things. My senses are heightened to the point where a running fan is deafening and the sun is blinding. I can “feel” germs on me when I touch anything in public. I can almost “see” them. I feel nauseated. My breathing is strained, my chest hurts, my muscles are tense. My mind is throwing a million thoughts at me incoherently. I am remembering stupid things from ten years ago and feeling guilt, anger, and sadness that should have long since gone away. I am uncomfortable in my skin, I dread getting in my car tomorrow to drive to work. I am convinced I am losing my mind but at this point, it would be relief if it just shut itself the fuck off. I want to channel these feelings in to artwork but I am too raw emotionally to do so, and when I avoid getting this out of me I feel guilt that I am not creating. I know I am off of my “path” in life and that scares me like a horror movie scares a normal person. I am literally scared witless that I am not fulfilling some purpose that I am not even aware of. It is like failing a goal I was never told I had, just that I had to achieve it. I get the urge to pick at my skin, sometimes my brain tells me to cut myself, like a good bloodletting will release some of these demons. I am flailing my arms and legs on the inside while trying to maintain the appearance of steadiness on the outside, and, frankly, I am fucking exhausted. I wear my masks proudly, cracked, rotted, and decayed as they are, they still cover my rawness.

That’s where I am. Who knows how long I will be here, but that is where I am.

I had the urge to work on some photos today. I had the urge to make a painting. Neither of those things happened because the thought was overstimulating.

So, it’s out there, the darkness has lifted from my soul, only to be replaced with electricity. I go from nothingness to everything all at once. It is overwhelming.

To anyone who has read this far, I hope this helps to explain some of the things I may have said or did, or what something I might do or say in the future. In the meantime, I will continue to try to find this elusive path I’m supposed to be walking.

Peace and love, friends.

Cuh-Razy week.

Hello readers!
It has been quite a crazy week in PhuktNeuroticLand! Here’s a recap:

Last Saturday night, my friend Mel (the other Mel) had a going away party. She is telling HER panic issues to eff off and she’s moving to San Diego! Good for her! Anyway, I got embarrassingly drunk, to the tune of I remember having a philosophical debate on the validity of purity of the story when it comes to Spiderman, Superman, Batman, etc. and the fact that we, as a society, have written Metallica a typecast, and they will never again be able to write an ORIGINAL song, meaning that in my opinion, all their music sounds the same and they will never evolve. Yep, I was that kind of drunk. It was awesome good times, though, and I didn’t get back to my aunt’s house (for whom I am cat sitting while she is out of town for a funeral) until 4 in the morning. Tony, if you still read my blog, that was an AWESOME conversation!

Since I got home so … late? Early? on Easter morning, I knew I would be tired and hungover when the guests arrived at my house, but I decided to set my alarm for nine in the morning anyway. Well, apparently the plug that I plugged my phone into is connected to air because my phone did not charge, thus dying overnight, thus my alarm did not go off, thus I got to Easter dinner AT 2:00, when it was supposed to start, instead of arriving at 10 or so to get dressed and ready for company. So I showed up looking like a bum and changed my clothes there. I put on my nice Easter dress and reappeared, asking our guests to ignore the person who had walked in earlier. I think it worked. 😉

Easter was lovely. I don’t use that term often, so be advised that it really means lovely when I say lovely. We had family over whom we don’t see often, and we had MORE interesting conversation. Troy, if you read this, the canary was spot on! Yes, I realize that statment raises MANY questions, but I am gonna leave you guessin’!

Easter evening was when I got the news that Steve Cordle had passed away, refer to my blog post “Steve Cordle, Rest in Peace” to read more on that. So, I planned to make the two hour trip to Columbus to attend his calling hours. Monday I worked my usual ten hour shift, feeling lousy of course, but after I stopped at home to get some clothes and things to wear to Columbus.  I had dinner with my Mom and Bill, and then I ventured back to my Aunt’s house.

Tuesday was completely uneventful aside from the long talk I had with my hair whilst trying to convince them that they CAN hold a curl. They did, eventually, but it wasn’t without much dissention in the ranks.  I just wanted to look nice for Steve’s calling hours, and I never curl my hair, so it felt … necessary?  That probably isn’t the right word.  Point being, I wanted to look nice for Steve.

Wednesday a friend of mine and I made the trip down to Columbus. It was so good to see so many of my former coworkers and friends, I just wish it were under different circumstances. I spoke to Steve’s daughter and her husband, they read my blog post about her dad and they appreciated my words, which was nice to hear, but again, I wish it had been under different circumstances. After the calling hours, we went out with a group of friends who were former coworkers, I got to see my DEBRA, which was amazing! I haven’t seen her in so long! Anyway, we had a good time, all things considered, laughing and remembering. It was good.  They all had a good laugh at my germ phobia, as I pointed out that my left hand is my touching hand and my right hand is my eating hand.  See?  I can still have a life AND hold on to my annoying quirks.

Thursday I recovered from the “Human Being Overload” that I was struggling with at the funeral home. I really don’t like being in groups that large, although I was impressed with the turn out. Steve was very well liked. I needed to decompress for a while, so I watched The Big Bang Theory on DVR all day until it was time to throw myself into another Human Being Overload at the Lucero concert I took my little sister (The Pupster) to. I had promised her a great time, and she did enjoy the show! She even wants to hear more of their music, which I wasn’t entirely expecting going in to the show, as she isn’t as big a music nerd as I am. I have been a fan of Lucero’s since … gee, I don’t remember exactly, but probably 2003? Anyway, I’ve been a fan for a while, and I fell in love with their music IMMEDIATELY when I heard them for the first time. I’ve been to four of their shows here in Cleveland, I shot photos at two of them, and all this time I never had the nerve to speak to any of them or try to get a photo or an autograph. Well, panic and social disorders be damned, I got a photo AND an autograph from my hero, Ben Nichols, the singer/guitarist and a photo with Brian Venable, the guitarist. Screw off, social anxiety!

So The Pupster and I got our asses handed to us. We were right up against the stage and the crowd commenced shoving (like they usually do) and we got plowed into the stage. My knees, which are already in a total state of disrepair from CMP and a snowboarding incident, look like hamburger meat now. Totally worth it. The show was AMAZING as usual. I tried my damnest to keep the crowd off The Pupster, but when they became too much for my poor little body to fend off, I turned her 4’9″, 90 lb. body around and pushed her to the back of the venue, which SUCKED because once we were in the back, they played two of my absolute FAVORITE SONGS EVER, but keeping the goons off The Pupster was a bigger priority. A security guard saw her standing there all sad faced and said, “You probably can’t see a thing, can you?” The Pupster shook her head all sad with her big ol’ doe eyes so the security guy said he had a place for us, walked us back to right next to the stage, and sat the Pupster on top of one of the speakers. AH! Yes, I will be taking the Pup to all concerts from now on! 🙂 Well, once she could see and wasn’t getting beat to hell (and not worried about ME getting beat to hell) she was able to enjoy the show! That makes me endlessly happy.

Friday was a bitch. I had only a couple hours of sleep and I had to work another 10 hour shift, I kept having (and am still having) heart palpitations. I’m not sure if it is the Human Being Overload talking or not, but I am on high alert. My Aunt and Uncle will return later this evening from their trip and then they will pack their bags to go on another trip so I will be here all next week as well. I’m also on vacation next week, so I get to decompress some more from my crazy, crazy week.

One thing I have to say here is that the entire time we were in the line to see Steve, my amygdala switch was on and it was telling me to RUN! away. I’m glad I didn’t. I didn’t go up to the casket, I kind of knew I wouldn’t, but I got near it. I paid my respects to a man I admired, I spoke to his family, and the amygdala calmed down once I was on my way away from Steve. It was about thirty minutes or so of discomfort, but I handled it well* (* meaning I don’t believe anyone could tell I was about to pass out). I would rather have had that thirty minutes of discomfort than a lifetime of kicking myself for not getting up there and paying my respects. THIS is how I need to think. Besides that, my heart was out of control at the Lucero show, but it didn’t scare me* (*  meaning I didn’t run screaming and I managed to keep from passing out) too much. However, the palpitations I am experiencing now while I am writing this are terrifying me. Odd, isn’t it? I guess I trust my brain to know what the hell is going on inside my body and if it feels the need to be scared, I probably should be.  Right?  Hmm.

Anyway, great* (* meaning terrifying but I lived through it) week.  I will savor every moment of this week off that I have coming up, as it means being away from work (YAY) and giving me time to decompress.  Well, except for tonight because I am going to another show tonight.  Wow.  Screw you, social anxiety.