ThirtyThirty CraftyNine — Day Two

Two posts in one day? How can this be??

Well, Phuktophiles, I ended up not being able to shoot more today due to yucky weather, but I did manage to do something creative.

I’m afraid that sometimes you’ll play lonely games, too. Games you can’t win ’cause you’ll play against you.” –Dr Seuss

So, this is DAY TWO! The quote, I think, is pretty self explanatory. I am in a constant struggle with myself, and that is why I am doing this right now, to be honest. It keeps me somewhat sane. Anyway, I did manage to work on some things, practice things and not-so-practice things:

This is me, Adobe Illustrator style.

Now, I am not 100% sure where or how this started. Actually, that is a lie. I was making a cartoony type character of my panic monster and it morphed in to a cartoon of me. *Cue Twilight Zone music* yep, that is what brainstorming in Adobe Illustrator looks like, I suppose. Paging Sigmund Freud, your table’s ready …

A quick trip to Pat Catan’s craft store with Snotface LePupster (my little sister, for those just joining us)to cure her boredom put me in aisles full of Halloween decor. Well, that started in on another cartoony type character, who is as yet nameless.

And the Halloween themed cartoony character led me to this skull.

Which somehow led me to this cutesy owl.

Which inexplicably led me to Echo the Bunnyman.

And all that led me back to Illustrator, where I played with this image for a while and will probably work with it some more before I call it a finished piece. All in all, I would say that Day 2 of #ThirtyThirty #CraftyNine is a raging success. Tomorrow I go back to work after a long holiday weekend, so we shall see just how much energy I have at the end of the day to work on Day 3. Retail is a physically and mentally draining bitch, which is not a good thing, especially with the way I have been feeling lately. People just love to kick your dick in the dirt, don’t they? I guess that would make more sense if I were a dude, but you get my drift.

Until next time,
Deuces silly gooses!

Oh, wait, I forgot to add the panic monster:

A day of reflection and discovery

I was so excited to be alive yesterday. I printed, I painted, I helped someone who needed my help, I spent an hour in the art supply store just looking at all the art world has to offer me, and at the end of the day, while waiting for a good friend to stop over for a quick visit, I opened up my sketch book and I reawakened those old motions, from my brain, to my hands, to the paper, and I sketched. I haven’t felt creative in a long time. Depression and anxiety tend to take my creativity away instead of fuel it (like one would HOPE it would do).

Needless to say, I felt accomplished. Yesterday was all about learning — new techniques, new mediums, new everything. I felt inspired for the first time. I have made pieces since this depressive period started and my universe was turned upside down, but I haven’t been able to feel involved in the process, and that is a huge part of the overall artistic experience. I think that is the reason that depression and anxiety steal my creativity. If I don’t feel alive in the process, then what is the point?

Thinking of these things today, I also decided that I need to confront some demons and banish them once and for all. First, I will sit down and speak to the man who would have been my child’s father, had the child come to be. I don’t know how I will do this, but I feel that doing this will help me move on. I am not comfortable holding dislike in my heart and I don’t want it there anymore.

Which brought me to the stunning realization that is prompting me to write today.

I haven’t been able to put in to words exactly how I felt losing my best friend. I think I can do it now.

I didn’t have enough of an impact on his life for him to want or need me to stay a part of it. When I think of how painful that realization is, it helps because I don’t want to feel it anymore.

I mean, think about it. He had such an impact on my life in general that I spent two years trying to keep him. All of this effort has been in vain because I was not (am not) that important to him. It has been on the tip of my tongue all this time but I could never bring myself to say it. Well, I am saying it now. I am saying it now and as heartbeaking as it is to finally admit it, it will serve as step one in healing and moving on with my life without him in it. I said moving on with my life without him in it and my heart didn’t sink. My stomach didn’t knot. My throat didn’t burn at the onset of tears. I had no physical reaction at all, like I normally would.

I guess when I can put a label on it and explain it, it is easier for me to accept.

So, I will not text him, I will not contact him in any way. I will see how long it takes for him to realize that I am really gone. Will he contact me? Probably not. But that will serve to prove once and for all what my mind and my heart has known all along. I didn’t mean enough to him to want to keep me.